Grabbing at Bits and Pieces

As Mema goes from a really good day
to having a really bad day,
I seem to be trying to gather as many memories and stories as I can.
I definitely am thinking of funny stories she has told to share with her
on her not so good days.
I can only agree with her that this sucks so much!

I am asking any family members to email me @ kristyball@sbcglobal.net
any picture, stories and memories that you have of Grandma.
I am trying to figure out how to get photos onto a dvd for you all,
as well as post as many as I have over the next few days.

(I want to apologise if there are any repeated stories in this blog.
Memory loss must run in the family.
And I figured, that I have had to hear all these stories over and over again
from Mema, so you may as well too!)

These are a few memories I have to share today.
Random, as they come to me.

One day, when I was taking Mema to School,
she was having a hard day.
She always was a happy lady,
and never let anyone else know she was down.
It is her motto to always have a smile, no matter what.
She told me that this life was getting old.
She was feeling old, and just wished she would go to sleep and not wake up again.
She has had a good life so there isn't anything else she needs to hang around for.
(This was two years ago!)
I asked her what I should tell folks about her after she passed.
She thought a moment and answered:
"Tell them...There she goes!  She had a great time while she was here!"
Then she giggled at how that sounded,"but that's what I want you to say!"
She seemed in a  much better mood at that, as she went in to school.


When I was a preteen, I remember staying with Grandma and Grandpa during the holiday.
My sister and I made pallets on the familyroom floor
in front of the roomsized brick fireplace.
The television was on the brick ledge to the right.
It was very late, and I was watching the original Helen Keller.
The one with Patty Duke.
One of the reason's I remember this, I'm sure, is that I was entering puberty,
and my beginning breasts hurt like crazy laying on that hard floor. 
I just couldn't get comfortable.
I remember Grandma coming in,
it must have been two in the morning,
bringing all the pillows from her bed,
fluffing them up under me,
and rearranging them until I was comfortable.
I don't know how she slept, but I was on a cloud.
Grandma....my miracle worker!

 

 

As we begin the holiday season,
one cookie we always MUST make is Mary's Sugar Cookies.
Grandma's dad showed her how to make these,
and she ALWAYS had a batch in the chest freezer in the laundry room,
frosted and waiting for  little grandchildren hands
to sneak in and grab a frozen bit of heaven!
I remember when she taught me to make them.
Grandpa had made a wooden ruler to measure exactly 1/4"
The exact thickness the cookies were to be rolled out to,
for the perfect cookie.
And in the frosting, she always added a bit of left over coffee
from that morning as flavoring.
When I make them today, it is not right until I have tasted the frosting
and had a flash of childhood.

Grandma always had some kind of cookie ready in the freezer.
When she lived in her last house in Strasberg,
most of her nieces and nephews would come by Aunt Dot's on Saturday mornings.
She would have coffee made, and a plate of cookies.
When the cookies were gone, the relatives would go home.
There was no refilling of the plate.
If she wanted company, the plate would be over flowing.
If she had things to do, everyone may get only one cookie.
I wish I had been there on those Saturday mornings.
Oh, when we visited from Pittsburgh, or Texas,
everyone gathered, but I don't believe it was the same
as the routine 7am time around the table.


Grandma was a hard worker all her life.
She likes to say she has big strong hands.
Not dainty little things.
I take after her.
It was funny watching us try to replace a tiny screw in her glasses one day,
both of us with our big fingers.
She had her nails painted yesterday.
Since she has been forgetting things,
her hands are always moving.
Mostly by flicking the buttons on her shirt.
Needless to say, her nails are usually chipped.
But, when I saw her bright red nails yesterday!
She seemed very proud of them.
I told her she was a hot mama ready for the town!
She smiled at that.
I don't know if this lady has ever been a hot mama painting the town red.

The rest of that day was pretty bad.
She had a hard time talking,
and most of the time she just stared out into the room.
She didn't want to eat anything.
When I spoke to her, it took a minute for her to focus on me.
It shook me up a little.

The next day when I went to visit,
it was like Mema was back!
She was laughing and joking and her eyes were bright!
We sat at a table in the dining room
and drank coffee.
At one point she looked at her hands and said
"Don't they look tiny?"
What do you mean by tiny Grandma?
"They look very petite.  My hands look very small and pretty!
Well, lady, you will never go a day without red nail polish on!

A Gift?

I went to check on Mema tonight.
Mom had spent most of the day with her.
She said Mema was not doing well.
We have been trying to decide if Mema is well enough
to come to Christmas Eve dinner, and/or Christmas morning.
Mom thinks not.
I am torn because I so badly want her here...
to be here, with family at the holiday.
But I am fearful that she will not be "here" and what that will mean.

I took a few Mary's sugar cookies that V made, as well as some fudge.

When I got to Woodridge, the nurse said that she ate some soup for dinner
and seemed like she was feeling better.
When I unlocked Mema's door, she was laying on her bed,
clothes still on, but shoes off.
She had her glasses on.
She woke up when I came in.
"Well, hello honey!"
She struggled to sit up, and I propped some pillows behind her.
She only had one hearing aid in, so I found the other on her dresser,
and helped her put it on.
I told her that Ronni had made some cookies, and she wanted to try one.
She figured she should sit up.
I gave her a bright green christmas tree
and she said it tasted just like the ones she used to make.
I told her it was Christmas Eve tomorrow and was checking on her
to see if she wanted to come for dinner.
"I would like to.  I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve."

I told her a memory I had of when we were little kids, on Christmas Eve.
She had to work late, so all us kids were kneeling on the couch
waiting for her to come home.
It was so dark and it was snowing harder than any of us could remember.
We couldn't have Christmas until Grandma got home!
We waited and waited what seemed like hours.
You would have thought we were waiting on Santa himself!
Soon, we saw her car driving up the road.
We knew it was her car because it was so very late,
and we hadn't seen any cars for a long while.
We all jumped around and were so very happy!
After she got her coat off and hung up,
gathered all the family in the family room,
and received all the hugs from all of her grandchildren,
we had Christmas!

Mema, smiled and said that she remembered that night.
That she did have to work late.
She was always volunteering so others could go home to be with their families.
How I love that lady!

All of the sudden it was like someone had switched off a light.
Mema said she didn't know where she was.
It seemed like she was supposed to be somewhere else, but didn't remember where.
Her eyes looked blank and foggy.
She finished her cookie and bit of sprite,
but was sitting on the edge of her bed, staring into the mirror.
"I don't know where I am."
I told her that she was in her apartment and that she was safe.
"How long have I been here?"
My answers varied each time she asked.
A few months,
right after dinner you came in and took a nap,
it's ok to be confused, you are safe.

I got her into her pajamas,
she spit out her teeth, and I couldn't find her tooth case,
so I put efferdent into a coffee cup.
We took her hearing aids out and her glasses off.
She had difficulty standing when I pulled her sheets down, but snuggled in after.
"Maybe after I sleep, I'll remember where I am.
I just don't remember where I was before."

I told her goodnight and that I loved her.
"I love you too honey.  Don't you worry about me, I'll be better after I sleep."

After I left, I ran into a nurse.
I hugged her and started crying.
She told me not to worry, that they were taking very good care of my grandma.
The only thing I could do was to give her a thumbs up!
I couldn't speak.
I had a huge lump in my throat.
I waved and left.
I cried in the car all the way home.
I had a cappucinno martini.
Now I am going to put the Christmas ham into the oven.
A few more gifts to wrap.

Thank you God for giving me a few minutes with Grandma.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring,
but it is all in Your hands!
Your wonderful, loving hands!

BitterSweet

I woke up late this morning.
Was going to try to make early church, but decided to sleep an extra hour.
It felt good.
The weather has been so very unpredictable as of late.

My weather app on the iPhone...
(how silly that sounds!  kind of like saying I played the 8 track tape)

anyway, the weather was 40-70% chance of rain and a high of 39 degrees.
I was greeting and handing out bulletins at church today,
so I snuggled into my heavy, fleecy coat, scarf and gloves.

As folks were coming out of church they greeted and hugged me,
as I was greeting and hugging folks coming into church.
"OOOOOO your cheeks are so cold!"
"OOOOOO your cheeks are so warm!" was my reply.

It was a wonderful service, full of great worship, lovely Christmas decorations,
and an energetic sermon:
What do you do if it seems like God doesn't hear your prayers?
I was thinking to myself, how very much I seemed to have missed Pastor Sam
and his energy, even though I saw him last Sunday.
Lots of people hurting and needing miracles this time of year.

As I was driving over to see Mema, my mom called and told me that
the nurse had called her this morning, and said that Mema had the stomach flu.
She was very embarrassed and confused.
I talked to the nurse when I got there at lunch time and she filled me in.
They are running some urinary infection tests
because that sometimes causes some confusion.
I took some soup and crackers to her room,
knocked and waited for her to answer.

She eventually opened the door and smiled when she saw me.
Then she turned around and just flopped onto the bed.
Shoes on, pants askew, no glasses.
Not even near the pillows.

I helped her off with her shoes and pants,
adjusting the depends, that she began wearing today,
fluffed her pillows and threw an afghan over her tiny little body.
She smiled at me again.
"I just don't know what I did, that I'm so confused now."
I told her that her tummy had been rumbling for a few days,
and that the nurses were in her room helping her early this morning.
She was just so tired.

She rolled over onto her side, and shut her eyes.
I climbed in right beside her and she patted my hand and told me she loved me.
(Yup, I'm tearing up again, just like I did then.)

I kept my hand on her arm, and my head close to hers, until she fell asleep.
I kicked off my own shoes, and found her Bible by the bedside.
As my sweet Grandma slept, I read her Bible that was on the desk beside the bed.
As I leafed through the Bible, given to her on Mother's Day 1978,
I cherished every page I turned.

My Grandma had always cut out "important to her" items out of magazines,
the Daily Bread, prayers she has written down, etc.
In her Bible these mementos were taped
in every possible space of every empty page.
The tape was deep yellow and very brittle.
I could read every piece she had saved.

Most items seemed to be about getting old.
About the young self being in the old "house".
Prayers for forgiveness, for failing God in some way during the day,
and to let her walk for Him the next day.
Scripture passages under topics of forgiveness, strength, living, etc.
Someday soon, I'll write these out, and include them.

Every once in a while, her breathing would change,
and she would look over at me.
I would tell her it was ok, that I was here.
One time I touched her cheek, and she touched my hand.
One time I patted her hand and she rubbed mine with her thumb.
Then she would roll over and go back to sleep.

It was the most beautiful time I can ever think of spending with my Grandma.
What a sweet, wonderful woman.
She is always kind, even when she is confused or angry.
She worries about taking up my time with sitting with her,
when there is absolutely no place on Earth I would rather be!

She knows her memory is slipping quickly and this scares her.
I can see the fear and confusion as she sits looking into the mirror
wondering if there is something she is supposed to do,
or worrying if the door is locked because there is a "freak"
that walks around turning door knobs and doesn't talk or smile.

After a while, we put on her pants and shoes
and took a walk to the lobby and back.
She was tired, so she sat on her bed again.

I left her after four hours, with some sprite and some jelly toast on her bedside table.
I don't believe she went to dinner
as she hasn't eaten much of anything for three days.
The nurse went to check on her after I left.
I trust them and see how sweet they are to her.
What a loving staff.
I kissed Grandma goodbye at least five times.
I just didn't want to go.
I am so very blessed to have had this woman in my life,
my whole life.
I feel sorry for my relatives, that do not have the opportunity
to love on her as I am doing.
It breaks my heart that they haven't seen her in a few years
and do not even know what she is going through.

She is childlike.
She is my history.
She is fading.

Thank you God for allowing me to see her heading down the road to meet you.
I pray that she goes peacefully when He takes her.
I am ready to say good bye, and will miss her so very much.
She is my back bone.
I see so much of myself in her.
But I am ready because she is ready.

The above pics were taken two years ago on her birthday.
It is dramatic how much changes in just 730 days.

Gaps in time.

I was doing some Christmas ornament shopping,
and decided to stop by Mema's with a pint of Rocky Road.
She opened the door with a huge smile that evening.
We replaced the fall wreath, with a snowman stocking I bought.
We had such a nice visit, eating ice cream and reminiscing about
her growing up, young married life, and dancing with Grandpa.
She remarked, more than once, (LOL)
that if people would only take time to remember the good stuff,
they would be so much happier.
After  two hours, I headed home.
As I was leaving, Mema noticed the stocking on her door,
and exclaimed how pretty it was, looking at front and back.
She stood in her doorway, watching me go down the hall,
telling me to be careful out there, and how much she enjoyed our visit.

The next evening I got a call from her about 6:30.
She said she didn't know where she was, and couldn't figure out what happened.
I asked if she wanted me to come, and she thought I better.
When I got to here room, as she had called me from there,
she was so glad to see me.
She was so confused, and said she was scared
and that she couldn't remember anything.
She remembered eating dinner, then nothing.
She was asking where something was, and I finally figured out
she wanted to know where her dinner dishes were.
We walked down the hall, to see if she remembered anything,
got to the dining room, and she was looking under the table for dishes.
We went into the kitchen and asked if Mema had come to dinner.
They said yes, she had chicken broccoli tortellini, but hadn't eaten much.
A nurse came who had taken her to her room after dinner
and said that she had been confused.
We walked back to her room, and she kept saying that she couldn't believe
why she was so confused and so quickly.
She calmed down a bit, we got her jammies on,
got a snack from the nurse and settled in.
I left and told her I'd check on her the next day.

The next morning when I stopped by,
Mema was in the lobby with a cup of coffee and in a foul mood.
Now foul mood for Mema, means, she wasn't talking to anyone
or complaining that she was doing awful, her eyes were blurry
and she was grumpy.
I took her to her room and visited a bit.
She said she hadn't slept well, and all she was really talking about
was wishing she would just go to sleep and not wake up again.
I noticed that her lamp was missing the switch,
and she had dropped her blush and needed more.
When I was in the bathroom, I noticed a tissue in the garbage
that was full of red marks. 
I looked all over Mema for cuts or scratches, but could find none.
Since I was getting her blush I also found that she needed lipstick.
I noticed this because the tube looked funny.
As it turns out, Mema has forgotten
that you can twist the tube to make the lipstick rise up.
She has been digging into the tube with her finger and putting on her lipstick that way.
Mystery of the red marks on the tissue!
You just have to laugh!

I told her I was going to the store and to the gym, that I would be back.
She wanted to stay in her room.
I made a pot of coffee and left.
When I got back two hours later, she was bright and chipper!
She had taken a nap "the whole afternoon" and felt much better.
I took her down to dinner and left her for the night.

Last night she called me and told me that she was lost and confused.
It was dinner time so I told her to go out of her room and walk down the hall
to have dinner and that she would feel better.
She said ok and hung up.
I called the desk and asked them to make sure she got down there.
Jen is so nice and loving!
I heard later from Mom that Mema had called her from the desk
thinking that her family didn't know where she was, and was very upset.

It is becoming a struggle knowing when to visit, when I can help bring her peace,
and when I should leave her alone.
I can't imagine that  not seeing family when she is confused is the best for her
when I am able to go anytime.
I really enjoy spending time with her even when she is confused.
She is always sweet to everyone and they all love her there.

I am not upset.
Mema is almost 90 and has had a great life.
This is just the circle we are in now.
I feel badly for other family members who did not or do not take the opportunity
to be with her now, although Mema would not remember a visit.
She does remember the emotions, the smiles and the loving feelings,
even if she doesn't remember the conversation.

What a lady!
I am blessed to be her with her at the ending of her life,
no matter how long that may be!